I promised one of my twitter followers that once I had a blog up and running I’d write about some of the worst dates I’ve been on. As it is 15 minutes till I get off work and I have an annoying headache sitting at the right side of my head, I suppose there is no better time to start fulfilling this promise.
Let me take you back to Summer 2009. My ex-boyfriend, Jay, and I were on a “break.” Break meaning that I needed him to grow a pair and fulfill the commitment he had made to me, while he in his own cowardly way was telling me that he was unable to do so. And so with a broken heart and boredom I started talking to this guy I met at a friend’s house party, John. Now, from the beginning I should have known John did not have all his mental configurations set up correctly as he always found a way to direct any conversation back to God. Talking about BBQ? He’ll bring up God. Talking about losing an earring? Uh oh here comes God. Having a great sexting session? Yup, the Big Man will find His way in there. But, in my delusional and fragile state I assumed this was an illustration of his good nature and indomitable faith.
So one Thursday when my ex failed to respond to a text, I decided to call up John and let him take me out on a date. I wanted to make Jay jealous. Oh you can’t answer any of my messages? Well let me flood my Facebook wall with subliminals and photos of this date and see how much you like it!! Yeah, I’m petty. Reserve your judgment.
I got in the shower and scrubbed like my life depended on it. Though I’ve never been skilled with a makeup brush I proceeded to take my time with the application, making sure my lip gloss was glissenin and twanklin. I slipped into a low cut white dress that put my best assets on display and went to meet John who was 15 minutes early in picking me up.
His eyes popped when I approached him and I could tell by the way that he smiled that he definitely liked what he saw. We sped off in his father’s car (I said reserve your damn judgement) and I felt my heart open up a bit. I realized that although I was using this poor man to get my love jealous, I was honestly excited about how the night would pan out. I asked him multiple times where we were headed, and he would simply grab my hand and assure me it was a surprise.
And what a fucking surprise it was indeed. He took me to church. CHURCH. You know the place ya mama would take you every Sunday, where you’d sit for hours on a hard bench in an itchy dress?? Yes! That place. So here I am: face beat, breasts poking out — IN CHURCH!!! As we approached the building I pulled my hand from his and asked, “Are you serious, ma dude?” He looked at me with an eyebrow raised and responded in the affirmative. He took my hand again and assured me we’d have a good time — IN CHURCH!
As we walked into the sanctuary (oh screw it, it was one of those store front churches that just happened to have decent carpeting), I was bombarded with hugs. His friends each came up to me and embraced me as if we had known each other for years. When a big girl (oh and she was a big one, forgive me Father) came up and planted a wet one (wet enough to lubricate a nun *get it?? ha!*) on my cheek I flipped. She and John tried to explain to me that this was how their congregation greeted one another, but I told him the next person who violated my space would get Christ’s love slapped out of them. I was left alone.
John and I made it to our seats and soon the night service commenced. And that’s where things got…weirder. These people loved to sing. I mean LOVED it, and that would’ve been all good and fine if John didn’t jerk with every key played on the keyboard. If a song’s pace quickened his legs would start twitching and shaking to the point where his chair tipped back and he almost fell. I began to wonder if he was experiencing a seizure of sorts. Once the preaching got underway I realized I was in no regular church. The Pastor sat Indian style on the platform with his back to the crowd. Why? He said the Spirit told him we weren’t worthy of seeing his eyes under it’s influence. Mmmkay…
The service seemed to drag on forever and I kept wondering if Jay’s shit was so bad. I mean, yeah he didn’t answer my texts like he should anymore but at least he wasn’t dragging me to cult meetings and having seizures caused by a keyboard. Unanswered texts seemed to be the safest bet. Finally, we were free to go and I could not get out of there any faster.
Back in the car I assumed John would be taking me home, cos I mean I just sat through a damn 2 hour service. (Sidenote: Ladies I don’t care how fine a man is, he takes you on a crazy date, you best just turn around and take your ass home). But oh no, he had more planned. “Now time for my second surprise?” Sir, whet? “What is it now, boo?” And he responded…
you won’t believe it…
you really won’t…….
I PROMISE YOU…….
“Wanna go to Subway’s?”
I kid you not!
I looked at him like he told me he had four nipples.
“John, please turn this car around and take me the fuck home.”
And I never spoke to him again.