I knew in by documenting all that I had undergone I would be freeing myself of all the emotions I’d been overwhelmed with for the past 8 months. But in my darkness never did I imagine that I would be helping so many others in their journeys as well. There is nothing completely unique about my account besides the characters. Narratives similar to mine have happened before and will, unfortunately, happen again. I feel grateful and blessed that I was able to speak free the demons that some of my readers felt shackled by.
One comment I have garnered quite frequently after the posting of last week’s piece is “Wait, this makes no sense! He got married??” Yes, yes he did. Simple as that. There was a time I wanted so desperately to make sense of it all for myself and wounded ego, but not anymore. He was a single man. He met someone. They got married. Happily ever after. *cues Cinderella’s So, This Is Love* Quite frankly, Bill owes me no explanation for how he chooses to live his life.
Another question I’ve been posed a lot is, “do you think things could have worked out between you 2 if he had not married?” Absolutely not. When you do a side by side comparison of the character traits possessed by me, Bill and Lucy it quickly becomes a game of “who doesn’t belong” and the answer is me. They seem to have a lot in common. They both come off as gentle, timid, easy-going people who live with their heads in the clouds and for a good time. I, Lord knows, am not so easy-going. I’m a foul-mouthed, go-getter and mouthy son-of-a-brooklyn bridge. One of the most painful a-ha moments I’ve experienced is realizing that if it all had worked out the way I wanted, I still would have reached that point in the road where I would have to face the fact that Bill simply does not embody the strength nor the capacity to be the kind of man my life and character would call for him to be.
About 3-4 weeks ago, Nej and I were deep in the Bronx at Dave’s house discussing this situation for the millionth time. Just as Dave was getting ready to exclaim how befuddled he was with all of this, Nej jumped up and nearly shouted, “say it! Please say it!” Nej assumed Dave was going to say that he hoped Bill and I would be able to work things out, and hopefully come to some kind of cordial agreement. Let me say with as much certainty that I can muster up at the present moment — That will never ever happen. It is more than safe to say that Bill and I mutually are each others’ least favorite people in the world, and indifference is settling in like concrete in a pothole. Just a few weeks ago I was at LCY’s bar with 2 friends, one who was desperately trying to bed me, and I loudly pronounced that God has sent me too many bitch-made men this year. >_< And then, went on to define what I held that term to mean. This happened with Bill behind the bar, and his wife a few seats away from me — at the bar. I know, I know. That was low and petty. God is still working on me, don’t fret.
One thing I will keep to myself is the lessons I have procured from this ordeal. I have given so much of myself in this documentation that I feel I should have something that is solely for me and God. Well, I will share one thing and this is for my sisters who are also in their 20s. For so long I carried this arrogance within me. I thought I knew it all. I’d look at the mistakes of other women and proudly boast, “ooo honey, could not be me! No ma’am!” But this year, I behaved like the women so many of us love to judge and point fingers at. We think we know how we’ll behave in a situation, but we really have no idea. I have been HUMBLED in ways I cannot describe, but I am beyond grateful for it.
Although I cannot foresee what the future will hold for me, I believe I can say that I have come to the end of the road with this saga. I wish the best for Bill and Lucy in whatever endeavors they may take up, and I hope their union is blessed with love, laughter, prosperity and plump lil babies. I know I will never ever talk to him again and I will never ever talk about him again. I don’t see any reason why I will ever need to revisit this story with anyone anymore. What I wanted to accomplish with this series I have — and then some. What’s happened has happened, and what is done is done. And just as it was almost a year ago our relationship will go back to simply being bartender and patron. I am grateful for having my knees kicked in and the breath knocked out of me by my actions, and obviously Bill’s. It is for this reason I thanked him so much in the Prelude. He served as a catalyst for lessons I was overdue in learning.