The Song Chronicles: What Can I Say

darknessI cannot believe it. I keep rereading Marie’s words and I feel an onslaught of tears of anger coming on. I saw Bill two weeks before…

I decided to go to LCY with some friends for the first time since things ended between he and I. I had spent every other day calling an texting him, but received no response. Let me stop here and say one of the cruelest things I have experienced at the hands of a man is Bill’s silence. Each time a text went unanswered or a call went to voicemail, I felt as if he dropped a wad of spit in my face. I’m crumbling inside, but I’m trying to put on a strong face.

I chose to go to LCY on a Saturday, knowing that was one of the days he had off. But to my dismay as soon as me and my friends get there — who should be sitting at the bar but him. We sit quite a distance from him, but from the corner of my eye it appears as if he is waving at me. I don’t believe what I’m seeing. The man who hasn’t returned not one of my calls or texts cannot possibly be waving at me. But he was…our friend Tee who is behind the bar comes over and says , “Bill is saying hi to you.” I don’t believe her. I smile and continue on with my friends.

But this gesture from him keeps lingering on in my mind and two days later we talk — kinda. He comes off cold and distant. He basically tells me he is “a black and white person,” and it doesn’t matter what my intentions were in not telling him, what’s done is done. I practically beg for a second chance — I tell him I miss him — but that’s where the conversation ends. That is the last time we have spoken to one another.

And now, hearing he is dating someone else — my heart feels another crack forming. I know who she is — Lucy, the sweet, simple waitress at Simpson’s with the large tats and dark eye circles. 2 days after learning this news from Marie, I learn from Tee that he and Lucy got married that week.

Lucy is an undocumented worker. She is here studying at some institute in Manhattan and was notified that she was bound for deportation. I suppose Bill decided he was so in love that he married her. Mutual friends say he calls her the love of his life. They say he even supposedly has her lips tattooed on the side of his neck. I have had the unfortunate chance of seeing them interact after I, and others, learned the news of their nuptials — I don’t wish that kind of devastation on the cruelest of women.

I tried to congratulate Bill after it became open news. He could barely look at me. His wife seems to get very uncomfortable around me, and even nearly dropped a drink on me one afternoon at Simpson’s when me and some friends stopped in for some drinks.

After living through something like this you kinda sit back and ask God if you’re evil and are being punished. He answered, and it shocked me — He saw my pain, my hurt, my tears, my graveling, my fight to overcome all of this and blessed me with my dream job in July. I am blessed. But this — this has been hell and one hell of a lesson — or shall I say lessons.

Stay tuned for the final post in the Song Chronicles for my reflections and concluding thoughts on all of this…

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