We don’t talk for about three days after that night. And as much as I thought that would bother me, it doesn’t. But doubts do start to creep in, and questions I cannot answer are plaguing me. where is this going? What do you want? Are you strong enough to tell him what you want out of this? I know that he is the first man to move me in a while, but I don’t know if I could find what I want and need in him. I’m scared. And it is this fear that will bring every hope I had for this situation completely into a fiery death.
The Wednesday after, Nej and I stop by LCY really for shits and giggles. It’s late and I am drunk. I see Bill there but I ignore him, which throws him completely off. I, instead, draw myself close to Rolf and begin flirting heavily with him. When he teases me this time around, I don’t drawback — I respond in a way that pleases him but baffles Nej and Bill. My judgment feels clouded. I don’t know what I’m doing or where this is going to end up.
Nej is doing her best to distract Bill from what’s happening, but from the corner of my eye I can see him craning his neck past her to see what is going on. A storm is brewing and I am the eye of it. I slip away from Rolf and saddle up next to Bill. He’s receptive but I sense he’s confused. I am too.
That night Rolf invites me and Nej to a pool hall not to far from LCY. The older white woman who could not stop trying to get Bill in her midst is tagging along. I’m hesitant to join them. My head is pounding, I’m confused and I know I am quite over my alcohol limit. But I decide to join them. Outside, Bill asks me to join him at Simpson’s. I glare at him and declare rather arrogantly that I’ll be joining the others at the pool hall. He glares back and stomps away.
Looking back now…I wonder how this story would have ended if I had followed Bill rather than the crowd.
At the hall, the drinks continue to flow. The voice of reason, the one we all have when the shit is about to hit the fan kicks in and I hear her say, “you should stop. You shouldn’t be here.” But I ignore her. I’ve already pushed the envelope, but something in me wants to take it further. And things do go further — to a point I never fathomed or intended: Rolf and I kissed.
Rolf and I kissed.